


Realizations

by devilswreckedchewtoy (AmberFyre)



Series: Waiting For a Star to Fall [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Originally Posted on Tumblr, RP verse fic, Season 09 AU, Season/Series 09
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-12 18:11:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16000613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmberFyre/pseuds/devilswreckedchewtoy
Summary: When Ezekiel and Ben are both gravely wounded, Sam finally has to face his own feelings for them both.





	Realizations

**Author's Note:**

> Written for implumem and wolfofthe141-archive.
> 
> This was the third chronological fic following Sam Winchester, Ezekiel and Ben White (an OC) for an RP verse on tumblr circa 2014. It was based on my Angel Wings verse. Unbeta'd so any mistakes are my own. As per usual, I own nothing but the story. Originally posted on tumblr.

“Damn it!  Where the hell did they get those angel blades?”

Being a hunter always carried risks with it.  Sam had known that from day one.  He’d lived it, day in and day out for years.  There was _always_ a risk.  He’d been inured more times than he cared to count, had come close to death.  Hell, he’d _actually_ died a few times.  Always to be brought back, sometimes whether he wanted to be or not.

He was used to dealing with the risks.  He accepted them.  He could handle putting his life on the line.

It was when other people’s lives got put on the line that he felt at his most helpless.

Especially when they were people he cared about.

“Stay with me, okay?  Just… stay with me.  I’m gonna need your help with Ben, Zeke.  So just, hold on and stay with me!”

She blinked up at him, hissed softly in pain and swallowed hard before slow-blinking again.  “Ben?” she asked faintly.  Sam bit his lip and glanced over towards the unconscious man.  He was bleeding badly in several places.  Sam had only taken the time to place tourniquets to make sure he didn’t bleed out, but it was bad.  Ben didn’t have a lot of time and Sam needed Zeke’s help to make sure he made it.

“It’s pretty bad, Zeke.  I can’t… damn it!  I can’t heal him on my own, I’m not good enough at it.  I need your help.”

The words hurt to say.  Hurt so much.  But it was the truth.  Sam needed her help.  He glanced down at the wound he was holding on Zeke and tried to keep the panic from showing on his face.

He needed her help, yes.  But he was going to have to help her before she could help Ben.  Sam cursed himself soundly for being an idiot because if he hadn’t let his own fear drive him maybe they wouldn’t be in this mess right now.

Ezekiel tried to sit up and hissed in pain again.  Her dark eyes were bewildered and she was looking for Ben.  It made Sam’s chest ache so much, hurt so badly.  And it didn’t matter.  He didn’t care if it hurt him, how badly it made him feel.  If he got them both through this, that’s what mattered.  The rest… well he’d deal with the rest later.

“Look, you were hurt.  Bad.  I can help you heal, but I can’t do it on my own.  I need you to focus.  I _need_ you to help me heal you so you can help Ben, okay?”

Sam tried to keep his voice even, but he could hear the fear in his words.  The pain at seeing them both like this, the fear that he’d lose them both.  He could feel the clock ticking down.  They were running out of time.  And the only way to save them both was to get Zeke to focus.

“Zeke, listen to me.  I need you to help me heal you, okay?  Can you do that?”

He had never before called her by Ben’s nickname for her, though he’d had it in his head for some time now.  It was just something that had settled in his mind and he hadn’t thought much of it.  As much time as the three of them spent together, things were bound to rub off.  And they’d been traveling and hunting together for a while now.

Sam considered them friends.  He wasn’t sure when that had happened.  When they’d become less comrades-in-arms so to speak.  It wasn’t as though he could point to a day and say that was the moment.  It had been gradual.  But when you spend as much time hunting together and watching each other’s backs as they did, and it created a bond that ran deep and strong.  Sam supposed it was the same kind of thing that tied veterans who’d been in combat together.  You had to trust someone to be able to put your life in their hands without hesitation on a regular basis.

Ben and Ezekiel had earned that so many times over.  They’d had any number of close calls, which if Ezekiel and Sam weren’t angels could have been so much worse.  Sam trusted them both on a level he’d only trusted his brother and Castiel – or Kushiel and Aeren- and he wouldn’t hesitate to put his own life on the line for them.

It went beyond just hunting, though.  They’d started hanging out more together when they weren’t actively working jobs.  Not just occupying the same vehicle as they traveled.  Spending actual downtime together.  Random things.  Joking and laughing and learning about each other (and Sam counted the first time he got Ben to actually laugh among the best moments in his life).  Slowly sharing their histories with each other, their various backgrounds.  Feeling out the treacherous emotional ground that all of them seemed to walk over.  They all had their pains, their tragedies.  Some more personal than others.

By this time, Sam had learned about the wife and daughter Ben had lost.  Had learned some of why Ben spent so much time acting like an asshole when he really wasn’t one.  Had learned about insecurities Ben carried, and fears that echoed Sam’s own in ways that were painful but only because Sam wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone.  Especially not Ben.

Ezekiel’s traumas weren’t quite as immediate and personal, but no less painful – aside from the Fall anyway.  Sam remembered what it was like being an angel.  What it was like to fight and lose comrades.  Remembered what battlefields looked like, brothers and sisters fighting each other and dying.  Just because it was past didn’t mean it didn’t still haunt, and he could see when those memories would rise up in Zeke.

Sam was good at listening, good at soothing.  It was why he was usually the one who questioned witnesses.  People trusted him.  And he didn’t judge.  Not usually.  So he’d been making a point, from the first time he noticed one or the other trying to hide some pain from the other, to offer an ear or a shoulder or hell even a distraction.

He’d ended up being taken into confidence, had given an honest ear and offered what little advice he thought would be helpful.  He didn’t ask for anything back, that wasn’t the point.  They were his friends and he cared and that was as far as it went.

Except that being in close quarters meant that Ben and Ezekiel also started to catch on to Sam’s own patterns, and when he was having bad days and hard times dealing.  Hiding things had become second nature to Sam, and when he’d been with Dean, they both tended to know exactly when the other was lying and also spent more time not following up on things than actually talking things out.  Sam hadn’t really considered what people who hadn’t spent their entire life around him might think or do when he did the same thing.

He was used to Dean feeling responsible for him as the little brother he was supposed to take care of.  He was used to Dean’s patterns of behaviour and what to say and how to say it to get Dean to back off.  Ben and Ezekiel?  That he wasn’t used to and they didn’t respond the same ways to his evasions that Dean did.  Which threw him off enough that he found it harder to do what he usually did and be able to hide it convincingly.

He ended up opening up more to Ben and Ezekiel about things he never told anyone else.  Ezekiel, because she was an angel, and she could relate to these memories he was grappling with accepting from a previous life he really hadn’t asked to recall.  It was easier to talk to her.  Like Sam, she tended to want to help people and it wasn’t hard to talk to her once he’d started.

Ben was harder.  He was gruff.  He was awkward with emotions, especially showing them and dealing with other people showing them.  Plus he and Sam both had tempers and sometimes would rub each other the wrong way.  So it hadn’t been as easy to talk to Ben at first.  However, under the awkwardness and aloofness Ben tended to show was someone Sam considered worth knowing.  Ben did care, he just didn’t always seem to know how to show it.

The three of them had grown closer, closer than Sam had thought.  Judging from the level of panic he had running through his head as Zeke focused on him, registering his words finally, a helluvalot closer than he’d thought.

Sam glanced down again at the wound he was keeping pressure on, glanced over at Ben’s prone body and looked back at Zeke.  “Please,” he said softly.

She managed to rest a hand over his and she nodded.  Sam closed his eyes to focus because he couldn’t look at the blood and concentrate.  He had to force his human instincts to shut up and to do that he had to close his eyes.

Helping Zeke to heal her damaged vessel wasn’t as hard as he’d thought it would be, once Sam got his human impulses to calm down.  He still wasn’t comfortable with his angelic abilities, but he swore after this he wasn’t avoiding them anymore.  Not again.  He wasn’t sure if it was sheer luck or design that the demons who had ambushed them hadn’t seriously wounded him in the melee, but he was suspecting a combination of both.

Not that any of the demons had survived to try the same ploy again.

It didn’t take long to heal the damage to Zeke’s vessel, and as soon as it was done she pulled away from him to crawl over to Ben’s side.  He only let himself feel that emotional blow for a moment.  He didn’t have time to wallow.  Ben still needed healing, and he’d been able to tell Zeke was exhausted.  Angel blades were wicked and the only things that could really damage an angel’s Grace as well as the vessel.  He’d brushed against her Grace while helping her heal and knew she wouldn’t be able to deal with Ben’s extensive wounds alone.

He took a deep breath, shoved the pain aside and went to kneel on Ben’s other side.  Zeke’s was already cradling Ben’s head in her lap, tears tracking down her face.  Sam didn’t know if she was even aware she was crying.  She glanced up at him when he knelt down, her dark eyes pained and deep and pleading.

“We’re not gonna lose him,” Sam said softly.  He wasn’t even aware he’d said ‘we’.  It hadn’t been intentional and glancing at Ben’s face, which was far too pale, he missed the look Zeke gave him.

He placed one hand over the wound in Ben’s chest, feeling the short shallow breaths and that he was far too cold before glancing at Zeke.  She nodded, and Sam again closed his eyes.

It was easier this time.  Much easier than he’d thought, and when he opened his eyes, he was relieved beyond measure to feel Ben’s breathing was regular and his eyes were open.  He wasn’t expecting those hazel eyes to be staring at him intently and he pulled his hand away, suddenly awkward.  The gaze held for a long moment before Ben managed to say, “Thanks, mate.”

His voice was softer than Sam was used to hearing and it unsettled him.  But he nodded even as he swallowed hard, the lump of fear finally dissolving and leaving him shocky with the sudden drop of adrenaline.  Ben was okay.  Zeke was okay.  They were both okay.  Sam could live with that.

Ben looked away from Sam and up at Ezekiel, whose dark eyes were also on Sam.  Sam gave a shaky smile, which she returned before glancing down at Ben when he raised a hand to her face.  Once their attention was on each other Sam pulled himself to his feet and walked a few feet away, leaning against the wall of the abandoned house and just breathing for a few moments.  Trying to get his brain to catch up to the fact that the danger had passed.

Which left him only too aware of what he’d realized, watching Zeke and Ben both fall from their wounds, feeling the fear that he’d lose them.  They were friends, yes.  And comrades-in-arms, no doubt about that.  He trusted them both with his life, without hesitation.

He was also in love with them both.  And that… that could end up being a problem.  Sam had to keep that to himself.  The last thing he wanted was to make things awkward.  The last thing he wanted was for either of them to feel sorry for him or for either of them to feel the need to let him down gently.  If he had to, he’d take off.  It’d hurt like hell, but he’d do that before he let his feelings damage the friendships he had with them both.

What Sam didn’t see, because his back was turned as he struggled his way through this line of thought, was the look Ezekiel aimed his way.  What he didn’t know was that when he’d helped Zeke heal herself and then Ben, she’d picked up the edges of the intense emotional distress he’d been in as well as the reason why.  What he also didn’t know was that Zeke and Ben had already been discussing exactly where Sam fit in with them, not knowing how he felt about it.

All he knew was that he hadn’t lost them.  And for the moment, that was all that mattered.


End file.
